A Season of Drawing Back

I have entered a season of wanting to pull back socially and shelter in place, regularly engaging only with my family and my close friends. (Of course, I also engage daily with my colleagues; work life is separate from personal / social life!) 

I have been through such seasons before, often coincident with periods of health difficulties, anxiety surges, or ongoing fatigue. (All three are in play at the moment, not surprisingly). I know it's coming up when I start being secretly thrilled whenever plans fall over, and feel absolutely no FOMO when seeing photos or posts about other people doing things / going places / socialising (if anything, the opposite - the Joy of Missing Out is strong).

This doesn't mean I'm turning into a hermit. I work, and I have good relationships at all my client workplaces. I volunteer once a fortnight and will continue to do so. I'll do some (although more limited) social things out of the house with my husband, my adult kids, my family of origin, my close friends. I'll remain active in group and individual online chats - if anything, I'll likely slightly step up my chat engagement, as it becomes a very acceptable replacement for seeing people in person (in fact, a preference).

What such seasons do usually mean for me is that I start saying No to social invitations a lot more, and actively curate my outings to preserve my limited energy. Long days out - no. Big parties / large events / crowds - no. Difficult to access places - no. Meeting groups of new people and trying to fit in with them - no. Last-minute plans, especially those that require travel or crowds - no. Late nights where I'm not home by 10pm - definitely no, although exceptions made very occasionally for concerts (which I only go to twice or three times a year, and always with close friends or my husband. This year I'm seeing Ben Folds Five with one of my oldest friends, the Sting show The Last Ship in Brisbane with two close friends when I am there on a work trip, and Lily Allen with another two of my dear friends.) Travel that isn't for work - no. I couldn't be less interested in planning, or doing, any big trips at the moment; the most I can mentally compass is a two-night weekend away I've booked for my husband and my anniversary next month, and even that feels like a stretch goal.

Because my default has very much become "I would rather stay home with a book, tea, my cat, and my own family", everything has to pass a much higher bar to interest me right now. I'll of course go to the already-booked things I committed to when in a more prosocial season last year (barring actual illness), but I'm putting a hard stop on booking new things, especially big commitment things. My preferred social speed in this state is "popping 7 mins down the road to the local Indian for a meal with friends I have known for 20 years" or "going out for Vietnamese food and a walk along the beach with my husband and daughters" - low pressure, low cost of entry in terms of energy and stress, high control over departure time, high reward in terms of emotional connection.

I realise this does make me quite selfish, and might be read as standoffish. I used to worry about this when I was younger, but now I am not as bothered by it. I have come to realise that you have to show up for yourself before you can show up for others, and at this moment in time, showing up for myself looks like, um, not showing up as much. I need to give myself some grace to get through this tricky stage with physical and mental health, and that's going to mean drawing back and drawing in.